Four Great Books About Military–Domestic–Life

Military life can’t always been explained, but there are books that can help others understand.

My husband spent the first twenty years of our marriage as a serving naval officer. He was a submariner and we had the good fortune (thank you, American taxpayers) to live in all four corners of the United States and Hawai’i.

When he attended basic submarine school, the command invited the wives to spend a day learning about our husband’s career. Unlike most of my peers, I did not marry a graduate of the United States Naval Academy. (Or, as my husband liked to say, he attended a “real university” not a “trade school.”). While my father had been a naval officer during Korea, I had no practical experience with Navy life. So this was exciting.

We played with the equipment, stared up the dive tower, experimented with controlling ballast and had several talks from senior naval officers and even a seasoned navy wife. It was highly informative.

But also shocking.

One admiral came in to address our room full of twenty-something women, most of whom had been married less than two years. “The most important thing you can do to become a good navy wife,” he said, “is to learn how to become a widow.”

An understandable gasp went up. We were married to handsome, daring, (tired) strong men in their youthful prime. Death?

He had been the CACO (Casualty Assistance Call Officer) when the USS Thresher sank to crush death during sea trials. He was just as traumatized as the widows when he returned from his visits.

“Too many of those women didn’t know anything about real life,” he explained. “They didn’t know how to balance a check book, how to get the car repaired nor how to take care of themselves without their husbands. Do us all a favor and learn how to be independent.”

Independence has always been a hallmark of navy wives. His charge surprised me. But, like a good researcher, I went to work. Here are four books I found very helpful in my navy wife “career.”

Lynn Caine‘s Widow.

Hey, this was a long time ago and her book was a best seller at the time. From Widow,  I took a salient point I have shared countless times since.

The point of the first year of widowhood is to survive.

Just get through it and don’t do anything rash. Whatever you do, if you can avoid it, make no big decisions. Just get through that first year and at the end, take a vacation far from home and think about what you really want to do with your life. You’re too emotionally vulnerable that first year and you don’t want to do anything that cannot be undone.

James and Sybil Stockdale‘s In Love and War.

Oh, my, what an example Sybil Stockdale provides of a smart, accomplished woman who held her family together while her husband spent seven years in a Viet Nam POW camp! She was my role model!

Remain focused on what’s important: your children and your husband. Keep your skills up so you can support your family if need be, but stay true and loyal. Be firm and respectful, but stick to the plan you and your husband put together in case “the worst” happens.

We developed a plan of what I would do if my husband never came back. (Thanks be to God, we never had to use it!)

Thomas Allen and Norman Polmar’s Rickover: Controversy and Genius When my husband became the chief engineer of the oldest submarine in the Atlantic Ocean, I knew I needed to understand the influences on his job, and thus his and my life.

It’s insightful to learn about how your husband’s ultimate boss thought and his work ethic. It made a difference and helped me on nights when he simply could not come home becasue the boat (and its nuclear reactor) needed him. The good admiral’s attitude toward his personal life made me understand what he expected of my husband. (See my post, however, on his wonderful wife, Eleonore.)

Brats: Children of the American Military Speak Out by Mary R. Truscott. This book was important later, as I raised children in a military life style. I hadn’t really thought through the consequences of moving every four years on their sense of “normal.”

I did a lot of reading about how to raise my children in their challenging environment. One of the most interesting points from this book dealt with post-military life: Children get used to the “rhythm” of military life and even after growing up tend to feel a need to make a major change every three or four years–whether it be where they live, what they do, what they drive, or where they take a vacation: think big trip.

Oh, that explains a lot.

Other books have helped me in other ways, but these four were significant. What books have helped you understand YOUR life better?

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