When I began researching Navy SEALs for my novel Bridging Two Hearts,
I began at my local military recruiting center. I stood at the locked entrance and picked up a red phone to call in with my name and reason for visiting (since I obviously was not a candidate for enlistment). A camera overhead moved to settle on me and I pretended I didn’t care.
The Chief
The receptionist sailor introduced me to a woman “chief”–a dive officer who had a large photo of herself in a diving bell posted on the wall behind her desk. I explained that as a retired Navy wife, I had spent twenty years of my marriage without a need to know things I didn’t need to know, therefore, I didn’t have a problem with not needing to know important details about SEAL operations.
She smiled.
As did every military person I explained this to over the next several months.
But, she explained, she could not give me any SEAL details and I understood that. Instead, she picked up a hot pink post-it note and wrote a name and a phone number. I should call “Steve” and he could give me information.
“Steve”
When “Steve” answered my call, I heard the click of pool balls in the background along with what sounded like a sip from a glass. You can envision “Steve’s” surroundings as well as I did!
I explained who I was–that I was writing a story about Navy SEALs and I just needed background information about the domestic side of SEAL life. I’ve read enough memoirs, I understood how grim their lives were, and I did not need any information about operations.
“Where did you get my number?” “Steve” demanded.
I explained about the chief at Navy recruiting.
“I’ve been shut down,” he muttered. “I can’t say anything. I can’t help you.”
My explanation ensued as I explained about not needing to know and he snickered.
“Well, try this name and number. He’s a PAO (Public Affairs Officer) and maybe he can help you.”
“Dave”
I dialed “Dave’s” phone number–it had an area code from the Bay Area.
This office sounded more efficient, but “Dave,” too, had a terse question: “Where did you get this phone number and my name?”
I tried to remain professional and explained about “Steve” in Sonoma County, and “Dave” relaxed.
He didn’t give me a lot of information, “I can’t discussion current operations,” but he did provide me with an appropriate age for my hero and what he would have covered in his military “pipeline.”
That helped.
“But you know,” he said, “I can’t imagine anything more ridiculous than a romance novel about a Navy SEAL. They have like a 90% divorce rate.” Any woman would be foolish to get involved.
I gasped and wrote down his statistic.
Divorce rate
(I’ve since read the divorce rate for special forces personnel ranges from 80-96%. I need to go on record that one statistic is NOT true of all marriages, but the high rate is significant. It’s also important to note the military understands the stressors constant operational tempo places on families and marriages. They provide retreats, counseling opportunities and support. Everyone’s situation is different. See my web page for links to military marriage resources.)
“Dave” wanted to know more about me–who I was and what I was investigating. We exchanged emails.
Of course, by virtue of being married to a military officer, I had a security clearance in years past if only to know when to pick him up from work.
From there, I spent time on the SEAL board, read memoirs and histories, interviewed a few navy friends and discovered disquieting facts about their lives. A sobering job, defending the United States with your bare hands.
A week after my phone call with Dave, I noted a mysterious Naval intelligence officer is now following me on twitter . . .
What better way to start writing a story about clandestine activities than with a mystery?
Skullduggery and writing about Navy SEALS Click to Tweet
Have you ever run into anything odd while trying to obtain information?
OR
What do you make of the SEAL divorce rate? 🙁
Meanwhile–
If you are contemplating marriage to a military member, please get pre-marital counseling and discuss the issues. I
f you are in a military marriage and having difficulties, consider visiting your base chaplain. The military has set up programs to help couples deal with marriage issues. Examine these websites: National Military Family Association for marriage enrichment information. Marriage Encounter has a military “division.”
The base chaplains can access CREDO programs to help. Real Warriors.net also can provide a list of helps.
I’m a Navy wife like many of you. You’ve got an ombudsman, a CO’s wife and a host of women in the same “boat.” Please, you’re not alone and we’re trained and we want to help.
Michelle – you should have interviewed me for a realistic look at domestic life in the Special Operations community. 😉 While my husband was not a SEAL, he did go to schools and work with them occasionally. I would imagine that the domestic life of a Navy SEAL and an SF soldier are much the same only in different settings.
The divorce rate? I’d say that’s a pretty accurate number. I have not met many married SEALs. (But then I don’t hobnob with them as much as with their Army counterparts.)
There may be a lot of reasons for the high rate. I can count on two hands the marriages that have lasted I my SF sphere. When I met my husband at language school, we hung out with the SF crowd. I was surprised to learn after several months of hanging out with some of the guys at school and some of them were married. They acted single. They are all Type A personalities. I have seen wives that are “the girl next door from back home”. Most of them did not last long, especially if they were unfamiliar with military life. Most of them don’t handle their husbands being gone so much, especially after children enter the picture. Many of my husband’s peers were on their second or third wife. That’s another thorny issue. When an SF guy gets divorced, he gets custody of the friends, and young wives learn pretty quick how to spot the wives that won’t last long in the SF wife environment. You learn to hold those friendships a little looser. SF is a small community. You will see most everyone you meet at one assignment at a subsequent assignment. Chances are you’ll meet the new wife of an old acquaintance at the next assignment. An SF wife has to learn to adapt. She has to learn how to be both Mom and Dad, and she had better find constructive ways to spend her time while her husband is away. (I had craft projects to keep me busy, and Bible study and chapel friends). The team and the team families become your family away from home. If a wife does not fit in or does not even try to fit in, she’s going to have a rough time of it. If she cannot be independent, she will not be able to manage as an SF wife. In the days before cell phones, my husband carried a beeper. It tended to go off at the most inconvenient times, and he would be gone for days, missing birthdays, anniversaries, baby due dates and holidays. It’s a hard life, and some just are not cut out for it. It’s difficult to be married to one of those guys, and often, girlfriends and wives find out – sometimes too late that some of the things at attracted you to him in the first place are the same things that make him not optimum husband material. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there were times when I considered leaving my husband, (and vice versa). It is our commitment to each other, our marriage and to God that has kept us going all these years. In almost all of the SF marriages that don’t last, neither spouse attends church. These are some of my personal observations. I imagine it is a lot the same for SEAL wives and girlfriends.
What an intriguing research story, Michelle! In fact, it sounds like a novel in itself. 🙂