How to Close Down the Home

How do you close down the home when a loved one dies?

It’s a minefield of emotions, sorting, negotiating and hard work.

I’ve done it four times, now, and have five suggestions on how to get through the arduous task of closing down the life of someone you love.

This assumes ground rules:

*This is a sibling matter. Spouses can (and often should) help, but bottom line decisions belong to the siblings.

* Each of us is equally loved and therefore equally deserving of having our opinion heard by the other siblings.

* Anything the deceased indicated as going to one person is inviolate–unless the person receiving the item is willing to negotiate.

* No pressure.

* Crying and stories are encouraged.

* Make disposal rules before you start and stick to them–but everyone needs to agree with them before you start. If you’re not agreeing, continue the discussion until you reach some sort of agreement.

* Assume that you will be disappointed at some point in the day(s). Remember, crying is encouraged.

* Laughter is the closest emotion to tears–do not feel guilty if you laugh.

* Review 1 Corinthians 13 before you start.

Based on my experience, here are five things to help you clear and close down a loved one’s home:

1. Set aside dedicated time, get a dumpster and do the job together.

We lived in Hawai’i, my sister-in-law lived in northern California. The house was in Los Angeles.

We coordinated to spend a week together emptying the house my in-laws had lived in for more than 40 years. It was a big house, we had a lot to do, and we worked from dawn to dusk.

We got the dumpster, boxes and tape (the possessions went to a variety of places), cleaning supplies, lists of phone numbers (what charity would pick up, who could move the piano, who we could call to clean after we left if need be).

The dumpster was important–we needed to clear the house completely before we were done–and having it available reminded us to throw things away.

If it’s a big dumpster, toss the items in and don’t retrieve anything. It’s easier if the old possessions are out of sight and out of mind.

When I helped clear another sister-in-law’s mother’s apartment, I felt great satisfaction in throwing in the scale. The crash, the boom, the knowledge it wouldn’t torment anyone ever again.

Until that night when her brother asked if anyone had seen the scale!

It was gone, he let it be. I only felt a little guilty.

Unless someone wants the majority of items or you have a consignment shop who already has agreed to take things, assume a lot of the possessions will be thrown away.

Please do not try to donate to charities items that are soiled, broken, out of date or unusable. Do the job.

2. Be prepared for overwhelming emotions about the most minor things.

My brothers and I didn’t have a lot of trouble with our mother’s jewelry. We laid it out on the table and each chose an item in turn–oldest to youngest.

When we got to the end we did a little trading–to complete a set or to basically even out what everything was worth. The two largest pieces none of us wanted, were handed to my brother to sell.

When we moved on to the plastics cupboard in the kitchen, however, we ran into trouble.

G pulled it out and set it on the floor in the middle of the kitchen.

“Uh-oh.”

We stared.

“You take,” he said.

“I’m not taking that.”

“Throw it away.”

“I can’t throw that away.”

The three of us looked at it, and each other.

We were gathered around a misshapen ancient Tupperware pitcher, the top long lost: the Kool-aid pitcher from our childhood.

None of it had thought about it in decades.

But there it was.

To toss it would be to throw away our childhood.

But it didn’t even deserve the label “piece of junk.”

“Take it home,” I said to C. “L will throw it away.”

Which is exactly what happened.

Which brings me to the next point:

3. In addition to family, have someone help who is not related to the deceased.

L wasn’t with us that day, but the knowledge she’d do what we couldn’t, helped.

I was able to go through L’s mom’s possessions because I wasn’t emotionally attached to anything. I could evaluate it for what it was worth and set it in the correct pile: keep, donate, toss.

Family members came along later and shifted a few items, which was fine, but my ability to not get caught on the emotions enabled me to move faster through the massive task of clearing the apartment.

You need someone you can trust, whether it’s a family friend or a distant relative, to help put things into perspective.

They also may value items you don’t want.

We gave my mother’s mink coat to my aunt. She liked it. None of us wanted it, but for her, it was a valuable gift of both monetary and memory. She still wears it.

4. Remember, the possessions are not your loved one.

You don’t have to take a possession you have no desire or room for. The possessions are not your family member.

You can throw things away without feeling guilty you’re tossing them away

(See the reminder about emotions).

If it’s memorable, but you don’t have room for it–take a picture. Indeed, take photos as you go along to remind yourself of the past, but which you do not have to own.

We should have taken a picture of the Tupperware pitcher.

5. Agree that some things need to be kept with one sibling, but the responsible sibling needs to share. Make logical choices on some of the possessions.

In this case, I’m talking about family heirlooms or items of value that may be more useful to one family member than another.

As the family historian, I got the photo albums, but I hired one of my children to put together CDs of scanned photos for my brothers, which I passed along.

My grandmother’s 100 year-old photo album presented challenges, but again, we scanned the photos and sent them to family members.

My grandmother’s organ–a gift to her from her grandmother–went to me as my grandmother had long promised: “Since you’re the only person in the family who plays the piano.”

The UCLA grandfather clock went to me–the UCLA graduate, like my parents. I then gave it to my son, another UCLA graduate.

The grand piano went to the sibling who had room for it and wanted it.

The car went to the sibling who didn’t have a car.

Never forget this is your family. Be generous. Possessions are never as important as people and relationships.

And be prepared. After clearing out the homes of loved ones, I didn’t feel like shopping for months.

Please share any other thoughts you’ve had on clearing out the home of a loved one.

Tweetables

5 tips for clearing out a loved one’s home. Click to Tweet

Possessions are not your loved one; 5 tips for clearing out the home.  Click to Tweet

Set ground rules, be reasonable and love: sorting family possessions Click to Tweet