A friend is dying this Christmas season and I’ve been thinking about how to help families through holiday grief.
My friend is elderly and ready to go home to God; her family accepts that and have loved her well.
But what if she were young and had children at home?
What can we do to help families with children through a holiday grief? Here are some suggestions
Ways to help families through holiday grief:
1.Volunteer specific suggestions to the healthy parent of what you can do.
“I would be happy to take your son to cub scouts every Monday through January,” is really helpful.
But that well meaning, “If there’s anything I can do to help,” doesn’t really help. They may be so overwhelmed they don’t even know what they need.
If you see a need, offer but give flexibility: “I’ll be happy to grocery shop for you one day a week, choose your day.”
Even cooking one dinner can help.
2. Involve their children in a holiday-related activity.
When you’re caught up in the drama of a family death, grief or just a major illness, the usual holiday activities seem like unnecessary fluff for you, or too much to even contemplate.
The children, however, may still yearn for holiday activities.
Why not invite them to join your children, or just provide an opportunity?
It’s not that difficult to take another child to
see The Nutcracker
make Christmas cookies
hunt for a Christmas tree (volunteer to get one for their family, too)
Christmas sugar cookies. (Wikipedia)
view Christmas lights at night
shop for gifts
attend a church’s Christmas program or nativity scene.
3. Sit with the ailing family member so the healthy parent can enjoy time with their family
Sometimes a healthy parent just wants a sense of normalcy: an afternoon off with their children to do one of the above.
Someone volunteering to stay with the ailing family member can be a God-send.
4. Volunteer to pick up visitors
In a holiday crisis family members and friends may be showing up.
Volunteer to pick them up at the airport, take the kids with you if possible.
Having someone willing to drive, even in traffic, can be very helpful.
5. Pray for them, feed them, love them.
My mother suffered a brain aneurysm 20 years ago this Christmas. We lived in Hawai’i, she was in Los Angeles.
My brother got a travel agent to find me the last seat on a plane home so I could see her.
A neighbor packed my suitcase–her eyes filling with tears to match mine when I said, “I guess I better bring something black to wear, just in case.”
Another got cash from the ATM so I had money.
A third called her husband–who broke into a meeting with an admiral to make sure my husband knew he was needed at home immediately.
My husband drove me to the airport so I could be with my family.
Neighbors promised they would take care of my husband and children.
Mom’s dearest friend sat holding her hand, while my father, brothers and sisters-in-law met me at the airport.
She was brain dead when I got to the hospital. We kept Mom alive for organ recipients to be lined up. Seven people got organs for Christmas.
Family friends made the phone calls and my parents’ house filled with casseroles when news of Mom’s death spread.
Some of those meals were holiday meals–what kindness to bring us a Christmas ham!
Many wrote notes telling us they were praying for us; it helped to know we weren’t trudging through the horror alone.
The same travel agent, somehow, found five seats on a Christmas Eve flight so my husband and children could be with me.
Some people actually brought the children presents for Christmas Day.
The local newspaper held the deadline so I could write an obituary, letting everyone know when the services would be held.
These are the many ways people helped my family get through a holiday grief.
Look for the practical, look for the tender, look for ways to bless without anything in return.
Holiday grief goes on a long time.
It was years before I looked forward to Christmas once more, but my children never suffered the shadow of grief I carried, thanks to the many kindnesses of people who loved us.
I can never thank them enough–even 20 years later.
Tweetables
5 Suggestions for helping families deal with holiday grief. Click to Tweet
How to help children with holiday grief. Click to Tweet
Cookies, ice skating, the Nutcracker: kids and holiday grief. Click to Tweet
Sometimes holiday grieving works best if we focus on the reason for the season: Jesus’s birth. Michelle has written an ebook called Reflections on Advent, available to subscribers to her newsletter. If you’re interested in obtaining this free Advent gift, click on the link here.
I am not crying, I am not crying. I am NOT crying. My contacts are scratching my eyes.
🙂 I’m sorry you have to experience grief this Christmas, Kim. I’m thankful I had so many people in my life willing and anxious to help.
I was crying because of how well you painted the picture of your own grief and I was imaging others who may be going through the same thing.
Great post, Michelle…you should write an ebook around it. It would help a LOT of people.
Two thoughts – one bit of help that would be especially welcome is to make sure that the children whose birthdays fall during the Christmas season get a special day. They’re often slighted anyway…and with a dying parent can well be forgotten.
As regards staying with the dying dude (or dudette), it’s important to find out what that individual’s personal ‘style’ and preferences are. Abilities, too…I can no longer carry on a verbal conversation of any length, because talking hurts too much. I was pretty quiet anyway, and would now make a group of Trappists seem like an LA improv group. Anyone hanging out here would have to realize that.
A delayed thank you for your great suggestions for helping during times of grief and loss. So thankful that you are speaking out from a place of knowing, to encourage others who experience loss. Your post is helpful for any time of the year!
Thank you, Renee, and unfortunately I’ve been in a position to give advice this Christmas season. If I can help with a listening ear, I’m thankful. M